I didn’t go to the gym but I got in about 5-6 miles of walking in today, so I’m happy with that.  I ate just under 1300 calories, distributed normally, so I think all in all today was a success.  I wasn’t feeling very hungry today, so it was easy.  I have my gym bag packed for tomorrow morning and I feel that I am about to start a very good streak!

Work was slightly less boring today; I actually was able to keep fairly busy throughout the day, which I MUCH prefer over having nothing to do.  I’m presently watching an issue of Obsessed; OCD runs in my family and I’ve definitely had some experiences with it but nowhere near as severe as what the people on the show are struggling with.

I normally just delete e-mails that are forwarded to me but today at work I received one that included the following ‘meditation’ :

“May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.”   It is there for each and every one of us.”

Cheesy, yes, but I also found it kind of reassuring and nice, so I actually followed the ‘magical’ instructions and forwarded it on to 12 women in hopes that my wish would come true!

I am not normally superstitious, and I am naturally skeptical.  It is amazing, then, that I buy into so many silly diet claims (e.g. Master Cleanse, Celebrity Juice diet which I have purchased more times than I care to admit).  Even when buying this type of stuff, I would act like I was getting it for a friend or as a joke present.  It was certainly no joke, however!  I don’t know how I am so irrational so eager to be ‘sold’ a quick fix in this one area of my life.  I guess it shows how much I’m willing to talk myself into if I’m feeling desperate.

Of course, my obsessions with food and weight don’t fit the rest of my personality very coherently anyway. I always have worn minimal makeup; I don’t really care about what I’m wearing; my clothes tend to be plain.  I didn’t really date in high school or college- during the period following my mother’s death I had two very dysfunctional relationships with two men in their 30′s; I feel grossed out just thinking about it.  But attracting the opposite sex has never been a big priority for me; I’ve always lived mostly in my own head.  Even if I were overweight, I don’t see why it would make a big difference but it’s always been really important to me that I’m thin, or feel thin.  With the amount of energy that I spend worrying about my weight, you’d think I was a professional bikini model or something.  It’s silly.

That being said, I do have a wedding coming up.  I wouldn’t call myself desperate but it’s very important that I stay focused.  I know that I can’t be perfect but I need to stay under 1400 calories per day (much lower on most days; this is a worst case scenario to build in some flexibility  so that I don’t turn an otherwise deficit creating day into a binge day) and get a lot of exercise- at least 7 hours a week.  I am starting this right away, tomorrow morning- today was already a good day and I’ve needed to stew a little bit about my action plan.  I need to have general guidelines but I can’t be too rigid, because we’ve all seen that rigid plans don’t seem to work too well for me!  I’m still looking forward to my June 30 weigh in- whatever I weigh on that day, I WILL lose 10 pounds during the month of July (July is a key month for me on my journey to fitting into my dress) so this week is also very, very important.

I hope everyone reading this has central air (I don’t!)  Stay cool (both literally and figuratively) and I’ll check in tomorrow.

.,”… I think you’re making yourself absolutely sick, and it makes ME sick to hear how hard you are on yourself..I happen to know about beating oneself up very well. I think you know this goal of losing almost 2 dress sizes in a few weeks is unrealistic and making you crazy…and being married won’t change a thing (in my opinion).

I know you hope it will, but I’m afraid it really won’t; just everything will be more frantic and underground, because you’ll be binging and trying to hide it from your husband.  Here’s a crazy thought: just saw ’screw it all’. I’m not kidding; I think the only way out is to turn around and be ruthlessly kind to yourself. I think the only and the best ‘gift’ you can give yourself is the one where you tell your fiance, and your dad, about your binging. Tell them you have a problem, and that you need help. Think of it as your wedding gift to yourself. Seriously! Just buy a damn second dress and stop killing yourself over this. Who gives a rat’s ass which dress you wear? No one but you. Then you can eat healthy and just have a great wedding, knowing that you’re going to now begin working on this issue with the help of the people who know you best.”

First of all, I completely agree that being married won’t change anything- what keeps me from stopping my job or delaying law school (which I am starting in Fall) is the fact that I know that my eating disorder seems to be a constant; nothing I do seems to significantly change my binge eating patterns- if I’m at work, I do it because I’m bored.  If I’m at home, I might do it because I’m bored or tense, or lonely.  I am definitely hopeful that I will continue to grow out of it; I have consistently improved, quite slowly, for several years.  I recently saw a therapist who knew me for several years when I was quite ill and she commented that I seemed to be ‘outgrowing’ it.  I am hopeful that if I keep working at it and don’t give up, I will overcome this; but please understand that I don’t have any magical ideas that I will get married and it will magically stop.

The second point that I would like to make clear is that my family, including my father and finace, are quite aware of my eating problems.  When I was anorexic and even when my binge eating was more severe (e.g. every day, and much more upsetting to me) I saw a therapist every week and my father was very supportive of my efforts.  I also confessed to my finace that I had a problem shortly before we moved in together and he has, in his own way, been quite supportive.  When I stopped constantly fasting between binges, I gained about 25 pounds and he was very supportive and has never made me feel bad.  He never suggests that I need to lose weight.  The sad truth is that I don’t talk with anyone about my eating disorder because everyone who I talk to about it just gets sick of me being stuck and not stopping binging.  For example, I binged today, even after promising all blog readers that I would return my dress, etc if I did (which I won’t- I am just revising my plan which I will outline below, pathetic, I know).  Everyone gets tired of offering me advice and seeing me stay ill.  I am not a liar; I will not tell people that I’m recovered and doing great.  All people know is that (1) my weight stays constant (2) I am physically healthy, or at least not in danger (I don’t make myself throw up, abuse laxatives , etc.) and people really just don’t want to hear me crying twice a week that I’ve binged and feel bad.  Jason once tried to ‘test’ me; he said that if I binged again he would move out.  Of course, I binged again, and he didn’t move out; he was just surprised that even that wasn’t enough to get me to stop.  I feel as though I’ve exhausted all of my resources.  I don’t even believe in myself anymore; I’ve been in therapy for years and years and years.  I have occasionally been successful at losing weight and I don’t even know how I did it on those occasions; I continued binging throughout those attempts, so I’m not exactly sure what was different.  However, this is definitely no secret; everyone is aware that I have issues with this; I just choose not to talk about it because everyone is tired of me not getting better and I think just figures that I must not want to get better.  This isn’t true, however, I agree that it looks pretty bad.

I know you said you experienced a traumatic loss about five years ago, and that you are ‘ok’…but I’m going to suggest otherwise. Notice that you also say the binging became a problem around that time, and that it’s all about ‘wanting to start over’. I don’t blame you at all; I’d want to start over, too. Look; you don’t have to be ‘ok’ with that kind of history. I wouldn’t be; and I think I’m a smart, healthy, emotionally stable adult. And I would not be ok. Why does everyone have to think you’re ok? It may be a huge relief for them to know that you’re still hurting, and that you need help. They may feel the same way, too. I just know that it makes my heart ache to hear you having to cover this all up. That would take an enormous amount of physical and emotional energy….maybe that’s what the binging is all about? Stuffing it down and it just keeps wanting to come back out…

I agree that I probably haven’t fully dealt with the loss of my mother.  But I can honestly say that I had the same eating disorder before she died and her death didn’t make it any worse.  I actually lived with her for a semester right before she died and was in intensive therapy during that time.  While I think that it sounds intuitive to think that a major life event would be a ‘trigger’ for an eating disorder, my problems started about 3 years prior to her death and didn’t significantly worsen.  I think my eating problems prevent me from fully processing a lot of emotions; I am sure that there is a lot of sadness that I don’t ‘feel’ because I choose to abuse food instead.  However, I think that there are several issues in my life right now that are bigger contributors; something as banal as being bored at work, stressed about money, not having any friends, etc. I think are much more significant factors in the continuation of my eating disorder.

OK, this is fatgirlthin dress again- I just wanted to address that comment- I agree with much of what was said, but wanted to reply and include the relevant background info in the blog.

Today was a total failure.  I was tired and had absolutely nothing to do at work.  I think that I binged completely out of boredom, and maybe I’m feeling a little depressed because I just didn’t care.  I felt like I just wanted to delete this blog because it’s so humiliating to post these failures again and again and again, but I really think that I will succeed with my plan.  Again, I will weigh in on June 30- I should be at (most) between 160-164.  If I lose 10 pounds in July, which is very doable, I will be, at least minimally, where I need to be to fit into my dress as of August 1.  I actually realized the day after my ‘no more’ post that I’m not in such bad shape and don’t really need to lose a huge amount of weight to get where I need to be.  I will do it.  I am not ready to quit and buy a new dress just yet.   I tend to be a last minute kind of person, and I felt a change happen in my mind this afternoon.  Maybe I’m wrong- I’ll re-evaluate in a few days.  But I’m ready to buckle down and do this, no joke.

Thanks again for all of the wonderful comments.  I can’t believe how many people share similar issues.  Have a great day and check in soon!

Normally, I don’t have any issues with impulse control, poor judgment, mood swings, or similar issues.  However, for the past 5 years of my life, I have exhibited all of these things in efforts to lose weight.

I shaved my head during my sophomore year of college because I thought that if I did something that drastic it would somehow serve as a physical reminder of my pledge to myself to stop binging and give up my eating disorder.  Instead, I just had a serious eating disorder and a shaved head.  I’ve always dressed pretty conservatively; I have never really viewed my outside appearance (e.g. clothes, hairstyle, etc.) as a way to express myself.   My friends were surprised, but I had a reputation for being a little ‘kooky.’ My hair grew back, after several years, and I continued to binge eat.

Last summer, I got a tattoo; it was the same type of logic, but I didn’t recognize it.  I had the date secretly put into the tattoo.  A few weeks later, after I still hadn’t stopped binging, I went and had the date ‘revised’ to my new start date.  I think 2 revisions is enough; I am just grateful that the tattoo is just on my ankle, not too large, and not colored in; I hope that some day I can have it removed.

I would say that 90% of my substantial credit card debt is due to spending extravagant sums of money; hundreds of dollars, for diet products that I have not been able to follow.  I have participated in many meal delivery services; I would often end up just throwing the meals away.  Never, once, have I successfully completed even a whole week on those programs, although I will say that I have progressed insofar as now I can at least string a few days together; I used to not even be able to make it through one day.

I often wonder if people at work have figured out that I binge eat.  I have often binged on food in the office; rudely taking the last cookie or going back for several pieces of cake.  It’s frightening how good I have gotten at hiding my eating, though; how without a thought, I ‘consolidate’ bags of junk food from the vending machine into 1 single chips bag to disguise how much I’ve consumed; how I take alternate routes around the office on my food trips.  I’ve often been surprised when people comment that I never seem to eat.  I’m amazed that I can hide it.  I was horrified a few weeks ago when a man in my office asked what I was doing in that particular area (far from my cube).  In fact, I was just leaving a note on a friend’s desk; he inquired “are you looking for food.”  A few hours later, I saw him again and it was clear that he was completely kidding; however, it’s quite true that on several ‘binge’ afternoons I have trolled around the office in search of some public, most likely stale and to a rational person, unappealing treat.

I feel a great deal of shame about all the crazy mistakes I have made, again, and again, and again.  I wonder what these people at Jenny Craig centers, or diet customer service centers, or snack food stores must think about me.

One of the perks of marriage that I’m really looking forward to is being able to change my last name; to have a fresh start.  While I (and many others) think that my ‘new’ last name will be much less ‘cool’ sounding than my current name, I like the promise of a new identity that comes with a new name.  Of course, I have learned through repeated failures that no external or circumstantial change will magically make my food issues go away.  However, it’s a great motivator to get my head on straight and be able to ‘throw away’ some of my past problems with that old last name.

One aspect of the name change that has legitimately had an impact on my desire to move on from this phase of my life has been the fact that I am now making decisions for someone else.  I know that this is true in the most significant form when you are pregnant; however, I think this is at least partially applicable to getting married, too.  When I’m married, I need to make decisions for the ‘good of the unit.’  Our finances will be combined; I can’t just justify my huge spending on diet garbage because it’s not having an adverse effect on Jason.  All of this will no longer be possible; I am not willing to jeopardize my marriage or happiness because I am obsessed with diet products.  That’s silly.

Today went according to plan; since it’s just day 1 I did make use of some protein shakes and sugared gum.  There was a luncheon at work and I didn’t eat a thing.  My calves are absolutely KILLING me from the Lighthouse Run; this  (exclusive calf soreness) has never happened to me after an endurance event.  I’ve been limping around all day!

I had a thought last night that made me very happy.  I will make it through the next 54 days of rigorous dieting for my wedding.  After that, I never, ever have to diet again if  I don’t want to.  I can be done with this.  I can continue with my healthy eating habits.  I have never had a weight problem; even now, I’m within the ‘healthy weight range.’  I never, ever, ever have to diet again.  I know that I don’t “HAVE” to be on a diet right now, but I really want to look my absolute best and prove to myself, after years of failed attempts, that I can actually do this.  One day down, 2 to go, then the real fun begins!

I hope you’re all having a great day, and thanks for the wonderful comments!

A few comments helped me realize that just eating healthfully, while great for weight maintenance, probably will not help me lose enough weight in under 8 weeks for my wedding (55 days from today)!  Because I have waited until the last minute, I will need to take drastic measures in order to reach my goal.  Between tomorrow, June 22, 2009 and August 15, 2009, I will follow this plan:

June 22-June 24,2009—> Juice fast, to “kick start” diet and enter ketosis as well as get a big water loss (it’s a good ‘psychological’ start for me)

June 25 through (& including) August 14, 2009: Medifast 4 & 2 Plan; 4 medifast meals and combinations of L & G —> Under 100 gram of carbohydrate per day

If, as of June 30, 2009, I have deviated from this plan, I am going to just buy a new dress .  I will have to face the humiliation of talking to my dad, explaining that he wasted $400.00, and eventually explain to my family members who have already seen and loved my dress that I am buying a new dress because I am too fat to fit into the one that I chose.   I will just accept that losing weight for my wedding is not going to happen.  Here are my goals for the following 55 days:

June 22-June 30: Complete 3 day juice fast and get started on 4 & 2 plan; do not deviate from diet.  (see consequences for deviating above)

July 1, 2009-July 31, 2009: Stay 100% on 4 & 2 plan (Obviously no more binges) for entire month of July.   (see consequences for deviating above)

August 2009:

August 1-August 14, 2009: Stay 100& on 4 & 2 plan (same consequences)  (Try on dress for first time on or after August 1, 2009!)

August 15 and beyond: Transition into healthy eating plan and no more binges!

I am ‘scheduling’ an optional binge for August 18, 2009.  That’s just under 2 months away.  It is 3 days after my wedding; I have a doctor’s appointment on the 17th so I don’t want to binge on that day (I’m sure it affects my blood pressure, heart rate, etc.)  Of course, I hate the thought of ever binging again, but I am telling myself that I can binge again on a certain day, if I really need to.   Hopefully, that will help me stop ‘cold turkey’ over the next 55 days!  I sincerely hope that I will not actually want to binge on that day…but we’ll see when I get there!

I will be sure to write every day (the next 72 hours will be challenging- I will be sure to check in just to keep myself on track) from now until the 30th.  I will also post my weight on June 30, 2009, and every week thereafter, between June 30 and August 11th.

It is hot hot hot.  I am feeling so tired and grouchy in my sauna (apartment).  The place we are moving in 2 weeks has central air conditioning, I can’t wait!

I hope everyone is having a happy and healthy weekend.  Check in soon!

Being the compulsive type, I registered for the 10 mile event; even though I haven’t done any formal training in the past few months, I’m pretty fit and I have done several half marathons (and even a full marathon) on minimal training.  Back in my ultra skinny days, I forced myself to run 10-13 miles almost every day.  I typically only run about 3-5 miles at a time now, and certainly every day, but at least I enjoy it now. 

This is a special event for me because my mother did it almost every year when I was a little girl growing up (for those new to the blog, my mom committed suicide in 2004.  Don’t worry, I’m OK).  She and her sisters would get totally pumped up for the event and play the “Chariots of Fire” theme song record.  Two of my aunts won their age divisions in the past, so there are definitely some family ties to the event.  It makes me feel close to my mom to run it. 

So, just under 100 minutes later, I crossed the finish line.  The last mile or so wasn’t pretty, but I’m really glad that I did it.  That’s the thing I enjoy about running any substantial distance; it shows you that you’re capable of  so much more than you thought.  If I can do that, I can certainly get in shape for my wedding (8 weeks from today-my oh my that’s coming up soon!)

I rested a little this morning, at 3 granola bars ( not a binge, I was just feeling very hungry!) and now I feel good to tackle a busy day.  I hope to go see  “Drag me to hell” later. 

I’m still deciding on my plan of action for the next 8 weeks.  I think that I will follow a healthy plan and really exercise a lot for the next 2 weeks, and then do a structured plan for the final month and a half.  One day at a time.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.  Right now, I am just feeling very HOT in my apartment.  We’re moving in 2 weeks so Jason doesn’t want to install the air conditioner, but I might have to force him to if this weather keeps up!   Stay cool!

Since I have made this mistake before -namely- thinking that acquiring something (a diet program, a journal, a tattoo, a blog, a haircut) would somehow magically motivate me to change and provide the ‘missing piece.’

Well, instead, the past 12 days have been a very accurate snapshot of the pattern that my life has followed (probably in about 2 week cycles) of hope, followed by crashing, and as you saw in my past 2 posts, by brief insanity.  I have gained a considerable amount of insight in the past few years; I think I might be ready to act on it.

This is all such a bunch of bullshit.  It wasn’t until I started writing about it that I saw how conflicted that I really am.  I thought, 2 weeks ago, that all I really wanted was to lose weight- even if it meant binging for a month straight after my wedding.  The more I thought about this, the more I realized that what I really wanted wasn’t weight loss- it was to truly adopt healthy eating patterns and stop binge eating.  I think that if I do this, I will lose the ten or so pounds that are making me feel uncomfortable.

I’m not fat.  I’m not at my ‘ideal’ weight, my BMI is on the high end of healthy, and I don’t feel like I would be at this weight if my body weren’t constantly trying to process binges.  However, the irony is that I gained much of the weight while simultaneously losing literally thousands of dollars over the past 1-2 years on diet programs.  It is crazy that I have no real health problem or anything like that and I have invested so much time and energy in activities that are really only making the problem worse.  I came to my senses and admitted defeat and immediately returned the ‘Master Cleanse’ kit that came (via overnight mail) to me this morning; however, I’m still out around $30.00 on the shipping.  I am in the process of selling my Medifast products on e-bay; while the diet is very good for other people, it states very clearly on the website that it is not for people with a history of eating disorders.  The fact is that extremely low calorie dieting tends to make me more prone to binge eating, which ultimately means that I would be better off just eating healthfully, exercising moderately, and acting like a sane person.

I am naturally a very healthy eater.  I have needlessly been depriving myself of a lot of healthy foods that I really enjoy to follow some diet that obviously isn’t working for me.  I have never been able to follow a ‘diet.’  In fact, during the 3 -4 times during the last 5 years that I have lost 15-20 pounds, I was never following a ‘diet.’  “Dieting” tends to make me overeat.

I don’t know what I find so alluring about diets- perhaps it’s that they make it sound so easy.  It takes all the thinking out of it, plus there’ s the promise of feeling successful and virtuous.  I am almost a diet addict, and I never follow a single one for longer than a couple of days.

While my body is not perfect, I just need to do the best I can to be healthy and sane before my wedding.  While I will try to moderate my food intake, my main goal is to not binge, which means eating on a schedule and eating healthy, balanced foods.  I need to try to follow the advice of experts, not of my emotions or my eating disorder.  If I stick to a moderate plan and exercise the way that I can (when I’m not trying to subsist on less than 1000 calories per day) I will lose the weight that I need to lose to look great in my dress.

I am sure that there will be more roller coasters in the next few weeks.  I’m sorry about the drama and my descent into temporary insanity.  It would be nice if I could just do the “master cleanse” and that would solve everything.   As hard as it is to admit to myself, that would be setting myself up for disaster and just waste a lot of money.

Stay tuned, and I hope you all had a wonderful day.

I am giving myself an ultimatum and putting it in writing here: I will weight myself on July 1, and if I weigh 160 pounds or more, I am going to just buy a new dress.  F$%k it.  I just need to bite the bullet and do something drastic to show myself that I can do SOMETHING.  That is two weeks from today and I can tolerate just about ANYTHING for two weeks.  I won’t weigh myself between now and then, but I am pretty confident that had I weighed in yesterday that I was around 165 pounds.  Even the special K diet boasts a possibility of “6 pounds in 2 weeks” so there is no reason to think that this goal, while aggressive, is impossible.

My method will be controversial but I am just being honest: I just ordered the ingredients that I need to do the Master Cleanse.  I am going to complete 10-14 days if it kills me.  Then, July 1, am going back on Medifast- this will prevent any rebound weight gain, and hopefully I will be able to spend the 4 weeks leading up to my diet transitioning off Medifast back to regular eating, instead of frantically trying to lose more weight.  I would rather undergo maximal discomfort for a minimal period of time, plus I am an extremist by nature.  Just for the experience, I have shaved my head (which I ultimately regretted) got a tattoo (which I ultimately regretted) and now I will try the Master Cleanse.  What the hell.  If I don’t follow it I must not really want this.  I know that if I reach my goal it will mean the world to me and any suffering that I endure for 2 weeks will be worth it.

Today I’m feeling a little sick still so not eating will not be a problem.  I hope that no readers are disgusted with me or disappointed in me- the next two weeks will be a sort of science experiment into what results can be attained through pure panic and desperation.   And hell, if Beyonce can do it, so can I.   Keep reading for my July 1 weigh in and what I am sure will be a very interesting next two weeks!

For these first few weeks, I need to be extra careful, both of the ‘discomfort’ I described in yesterday’s blog, and of situations such as this that seem to make me more vulnerable to a binge. I am feeling a little sad and stressed and this can make things more difficult. I don’t think I really know how to just ‘sit with ‘ my feelings. There have been numerous studies recently that show that any type of difficult mental task, or activities such as watching a sad movie, have a negative effect on ‘willpower and vice versa- for example (I will attempt to find this study and add a link so you know I’m not just fabricating studies to support my own hypothesis) researchers had people sit in a room filled with cookies and fudge but were allowed to eat only radishes. When asked to perform a math problem, those who were forced to exercise their willpower first performed worse on the math. I think this shows that we only have a finite amount of mental/emotional energy, and when those resources are being used in one area of our life, we need to be very deliberate about how me might focus any remaining energy. Today, I will focus on being successful, hour by hour.

I’ve been breaking up my ‘lean’ portion in half so that I can have eggs for breakfast. This week I’ve been eating 1 egg with 3/4 cup liquid egg whites and it seems to work much better for me than eating oatmeal (which I love) or other carbohydrates. Plus, it delays my first ‘official’ medifast meal, which gives me more eating episodes during the day. I must say, I’m getting to a point where hunger is not much of an issue.

I’m silly- I’m just beginning day 4 today and I took my measurements this morning, hoping to see that they were magically the measurements I needed to fit into my dress. There wasn’t an appreciable difference. I can’t say that I actually expected to lose inches in 4 days but it sure would be nice!

Hopefully I will be able to blog again after work. I hope you all have a wonderful day and check in soon.

When I first started binging, about 5 years ago, I was quite underweight and considerably more wrapped up in my eating disorder.  Perhaps due to lack of insight, maturity, or bodyfat, I was much less able to resist my impulses- be they to spend too much money, binge eat, or shave my head, which I once did for no particular reason (that’s another post altogeher).  I lived every day in fear of what disaster might ensue, and I was completely unable to stick with any kind of eating plan for even one day.

That was the starting point.  Very, very, slowly, I have improved; my weight has fluctuated but never to the unhealthy, obviously eating disordered lows of that period.  I first would regularly go 1 day without binging, then 2….and so on.  Lately, I’ve been stuck at around 5-6 days.

What’s strange is that I don’t really feel like I need the behavior anymore.  When I do it, it’s just out of habit, because it feels strange to not do it.  I know this seems odd since it is something that I desperately want to stop, but that’s the best way I can explain it.  It’s almost like I just think to myself, “well, I’m going to do it one of these days anyway- I couldn’t possibly have overcome this, because I just won’t be able to- so I might as well just do it so I can have the renewed hope of ‘starting over again.”

Wow.  That was the first time I articulated this, but I think I might be onto something.

My whole identity, my free time; so much is wrapped up into this cycle of binge eating, feeling sick, promising myself that I’ll stop, and throwing myself into a new plan for just under a week.  If anything, this is a major inconvenience.  Just because something is ‘familiar’ is not a good reason to continue doing something, but I think it can be a compelling reason.  I don’t like sudden changes; I like my life to be fairly predictable.  Could that really be what’s going on here?

Clearly, I need to venture into the unknown, and that is what I’m in the process of doing.  I’ve reached the point where I’m not feeling quite so hungry anymore and it’s great- I can’t believe that I’m really doing it! I need to keep going; if I can get through these 3 days, then I can do 3 more, and so, on and so on….

It can be hard to accept that something that you want might also have short term ‘negative’ consequences- i.e. it is really scary and uncomfortable to change.  I also think that there’s kind of maybe a ‘post-recovery’ depression; since I’ve spent the past few years of my life really trying to stop this, now that I see that I can, I’m afraid to because the ‘main event,’ will be over.

Of course, while I think that I will be able to ‘recover’ insofar as binges stop, I don’t think that the urge will ever go away or I’ll ever be able to stop working at this.  Tomorrow will bring new struggles; there’s never a point where I will get to say, “OK, well I’ve done it, and now I don’t need to do anything else and I’ll be fine.”  I will always have to live with this fear of my ‘addiction,’ and remember that a few moments of pleasure is never worth the consequences.

I hope you all have had a good day.  Thank  for reading about my journey into the unknown!