It is hot hot hot

It is very, very hot today.

I didn’t go to the gym but I got in about 5-6 miles of walking in today, so I’m happy with that.  I ate just under 1300 calories, distributed normally, so I think all in all today was a success.  I wasn’t feeling very hungry today, so it was easy.  I have my gym bag packed for tomorrow morning and I feel that I am about to start a very good streak!

Work was slightly less boring today; I actually was able to keep fairly busy throughout the day, which I MUCH prefer over having nothing to do.  I’m presently watching an issue of Obsessed; OCD runs in my family and I’ve definitely had some experiences with it but nowhere near as severe as what the people on the show are struggling with.

I normally just delete e-mails that are forwarded to me but today at work I received one that included the following ‘meditation’ :

“May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.”   It is there for each and every one of us.”

Cheesy, yes, but I also found it kind of reassuring and nice, so I actually followed the ‘magical’ instructions and forwarded it on to 12 women in hopes that my wish would come true!

I am not normally superstitious, and I am naturally skeptical.  It is amazing, then, that I buy into so many silly diet claims (e.g. Master Cleanse, Celebrity Juice diet which I have purchased more times than I care to admit).  Even when buying this type of stuff, I would act like I was getting it for a friend or as a joke present.  It was certainly no joke, however!  I don’t know how I am so irrational so eager to be ‘sold’ a quick fix in this one area of my life.  I guess it shows how much I’m willing to talk myself into if I’m feeling desperate.

Of course, my obsessions with food and weight don’t fit the rest of my personality very coherently anyway. I always have worn minimal makeup; I don’t really care about what I’m wearing; my clothes tend to be plain.  I didn’t really date in high school or college- during the period following my mother’s death I had two very dysfunctional relationships with two men in their 30′s; I feel grossed out just thinking about it.  But attracting the opposite sex has never been a big priority for me; I’ve always lived mostly in my own head.  Even if I were overweight, I don’t see why it would make a big difference but it’s always been really important to me that I’m thin, or feel thin.  With the amount of energy that I spend worrying about my weight, you’d think I was a professional bikini model or something.  It’s silly.

That being said, I do have a wedding coming up.  I wouldn’t call myself desperate but it’s very important that I stay focused.  I know that I can’t be perfect but I need to stay under 1400 calories per day (much lower on most days; this is a worst case scenario to build in some flexibility  so that I don’t turn an otherwise deficit creating day into a binge day) and get a lot of exercise- at least 7 hours a week.  I am starting this right away, tomorrow morning- today was already a good day and I’ve needed to stew a little bit about my action plan.  I need to have general guidelines but I can’t be too rigid, because we’ve all seen that rigid plans don’t seem to work too well for me!  I’m still looking forward to my June 30 weigh in- whatever I weigh on that day, I WILL lose 10 pounds during the month of July (July is a key month for me on my journey to fitting into my dress) so this week is also very, very important.

I hope everyone reading this has central air (I don’t!)  Stay cool (both literally and figuratively) and I’ll check in tomorrow.

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