Conversation and falling flat on my face (again)

I have really appreciated all of the wonderful, insightful comments that I received, and I wanted to take some time to answer them in detail, since I unfortunately can’t converse with all of you in person!  I think that some of the information I will provide is relevant to this blog and really got me thinking about several issues.  My responses are in italics.

.,”… I think you’re making yourself absolutely sick, and it makes ME sick to hear how hard you are on yourself..I happen to know about beating oneself up very well. I think you know this goal of losing almost 2 dress sizes in a few weeks is unrealistic and making you crazy…and being married won’t change a thing (in my opinion).

I know you hope it will, but I’m afraid it really won’t; just everything will be more frantic and underground, because you’ll be binging and trying to hide it from your husband.  Here’s a crazy thought: just saw ’screw it all’. I’m not kidding; I think the only way out is to turn around and be ruthlessly kind to yourself. I think the only and the best ‘gift’ you can give yourself is the one where you tell your fiance, and your dad, about your binging. Tell them you have a problem, and that you need help. Think of it as your wedding gift to yourself. Seriously! Just buy a damn second dress and stop killing yourself over this. Who gives a rat’s ass which dress you wear? No one but you. Then you can eat healthy and just have a great wedding, knowing that you’re going to now begin working on this issue with the help of the people who know you best.”

First of all, I completely agree that being married won’t change anything- what keeps me from stopping my job or delaying law school (which I am starting in Fall) is the fact that I know that my eating disorder seems to be a constant; nothing I do seems to significantly change my binge eating patterns- if I’m at work, I do it because I’m bored.  If I’m at home, I might do it because I’m bored or tense, or lonely.  I am definitely hopeful that I will continue to grow out of it; I have consistently improved, quite slowly, for several years.  I recently saw a therapist who knew me for several years when I was quite ill and she commented that I seemed to be ‘outgrowing’ it.  I am hopeful that if I keep working at it and don’t give up, I will overcome this; but please understand that I don’t have any magical ideas that I will get married and it will magically stop.

The second point that I would like to make clear is that my family, including my father and finace, are quite aware of my eating problems.  When I was anorexic and even when my binge eating was more severe (e.g. every day, and much more upsetting to me) I saw a therapist every week and my father was very supportive of my efforts.  I also confessed to my finace that I had a problem shortly before we moved in together and he has, in his own way, been quite supportive.  When I stopped constantly fasting between binges, I gained about 25 pounds and he was very supportive and has never made me feel bad.  He never suggests that I need to lose weight.  The sad truth is that I don’t talk with anyone about my eating disorder because everyone who I talk to about it just gets sick of me being stuck and not stopping binging.  For example, I binged today, even after promising all blog readers that I would return my dress, etc if I did (which I won’t- I am just revising my plan which I will outline below, pathetic, I know).  Everyone gets tired of offering me advice and seeing me stay ill.  I am not a liar; I will not tell people that I’m recovered and doing great.  All people know is that (1) my weight stays constant (2) I am physically healthy, or at least not in danger (I don’t make myself throw up, abuse laxatives , etc.) and people really just don’t want to hear me crying twice a week that I’ve binged and feel bad.  Jason once tried to ‘test’ me; he said that if I binged again he would move out.  Of course, I binged again, and he didn’t move out; he was just surprised that even that wasn’t enough to get me to stop.  I feel as though I’ve exhausted all of my resources.  I don’t even believe in myself anymore; I’ve been in therapy for years and years and years.  I have occasionally been successful at losing weight and I don’t even know how I did it on those occasions; I continued binging throughout those attempts, so I’m not exactly sure what was different.  However, this is definitely no secret; everyone is aware that I have issues with this; I just choose not to talk about it because everyone is tired of me not getting better and I think just figures that I must not want to get better.  This isn’t true, however, I agree that it looks pretty bad.

I know you said you experienced a traumatic loss about five years ago, and that you are ‘ok’…but I’m going to suggest otherwise. Notice that you also say the binging became a problem around that time, and that it’s all about ‘wanting to start over’. I don’t blame you at all; I’d want to start over, too. Look; you don’t have to be ‘ok’ with that kind of history. I wouldn’t be; and I think I’m a smart, healthy, emotionally stable adult. And I would not be ok. Why does everyone have to think you’re ok? It may be a huge relief for them to know that you’re still hurting, and that you need help. They may feel the same way, too. I just know that it makes my heart ache to hear you having to cover this all up. That would take an enormous amount of physical and emotional energy….maybe that’s what the binging is all about? Stuffing it down and it just keeps wanting to come back out…

I agree that I probably haven’t fully dealt with the loss of my mother.  But I can honestly say that I had the same eating disorder before she died and her death didn’t make it any worse.  I actually lived with her for a semester right before she died and was in intensive therapy during that time.  While I think that it sounds intuitive to think that a major life event would be a ‘trigger’ for an eating disorder, my problems started about 3 years prior to her death and didn’t significantly worsen.  I think my eating problems prevent me from fully processing a lot of emotions; I am sure that there is a lot of sadness that I don’t ‘feel’ because I choose to abuse food instead.  However, I think that there are several issues in my life right now that are bigger contributors; something as banal as being bored at work, stressed about money, not having any friends, etc. I think are much more significant factors in the continuation of my eating disorder.

OK, this is fatgirlthin dress again- I just wanted to address that comment- I agree with much of what was said, but wanted to reply and include the relevant background info in the blog.

Today was a total failure.  I was tired and had absolutely nothing to do at work.  I think that I binged completely out of boredom, and maybe I’m feeling a little depressed because I just didn’t care.  I felt like I just wanted to delete this blog because it’s so humiliating to post these failures again and again and again, but I really think that I will succeed with my plan.  Again, I will weigh in on June 30- I should be at (most) between 160-164.  If I lose 10 pounds in July, which is very doable, I will be, at least minimally, where I need to be to fit into my dress as of August 1.  I actually realized the day after my ‘no more’ post that I’m not in such bad shape and don’t really need to lose a huge amount of weight to get where I need to be.  I will do it.  I am not ready to quit and buy a new dress just yet.   I tend to be a last minute kind of person, and I felt a change happen in my mind this afternoon.  Maybe I’m wrong- I’ll re-evaluate in a few days.  But I’m ready to buckle down and do this, no joke.

Thanks again for all of the wonderful comments.  I can’t believe how many people share similar issues.  Have a great day and check in soon!