A psychopath by any other name?

When it comes to food/dieting/weight issues, I am out of my mind.

Normally, I don’t have any issues with impulse control, poor judgment, mood swings, or similar issues.  However, for the past 5 years of my life, I have exhibited all of these things in efforts to lose weight.

I shaved my head during my sophomore year of college because I thought that if I did something that drastic it would somehow serve as a physical reminder of my pledge to myself to stop binging and give up my eating disorder.  Instead, I just had a serious eating disorder and a shaved head.  I’ve always dressed pretty conservatively; I have never really viewed my outside appearance (e.g. clothes, hairstyle, etc.) as a way to express myself.   My friends were surprised, but I had a reputation for being a little ‘kooky.’ My hair grew back, after several years, and I continued to binge eat.

Last summer, I got a tattoo; it was the same type of logic, but I didn’t recognize it.  I had the date secretly put into the tattoo.  A few weeks later, after I still hadn’t stopped binging, I went and had the date ‘revised’ to my new start date.  I think 2 revisions is enough; I am just grateful that the tattoo is just on my ankle, not too large, and not colored in; I hope that some day I can have it removed.

I would say that 90% of my substantial credit card debt is due to spending extravagant sums of money; hundreds of dollars, for diet products that I have not been able to follow.  I have participated in many meal delivery services; I would often end up just throwing the meals away.  Never, once, have I successfully completed even a whole week on those programs, although I will say that I have progressed insofar as now I can at least string a few days together; I used to not even be able to make it through one day.

I often wonder if people at work have figured out that I binge eat.  I have often binged on food in the office; rudely taking the last cookie or going back for several pieces of cake.  It’s frightening how good I have gotten at hiding my eating, though; how without a thought, I ‘consolidate’ bags of junk food from the vending machine into 1 single chips bag to disguise how much I’ve consumed; how I take alternate routes around the office on my food trips.  I’ve often been surprised when people comment that I never seem to eat.  I’m amazed that I can hide it.  I was horrified a few weeks ago when a man in my office asked what I was doing in that particular area (far from my cube).  In fact, I was just leaving a note on a friend’s desk; he inquired “are you looking for food.”  A few hours later, I saw him again and it was clear that he was completely kidding; however, it’s quite true that on several ‘binge’ afternoons I have trolled around the office in search of some public, most likely stale and to a rational person, unappealing treat.

I feel a great deal of shame about all the crazy mistakes I have made, again, and again, and again.  I wonder what these people at Jenny Craig centers, or diet customer service centers, or snack food stores must think about me.

One of the perks of marriage that I’m really looking forward to is being able to change my last name; to have a fresh start.  While I (and many others) think that my ‘new’ last name will be much less ‘cool’ sounding than my current name, I like the promise of a new identity that comes with a new name.  Of course, I have learned through repeated failures that no external or circumstantial change will magically make my food issues go away.  However, it’s a great motivator to get my head on straight and be able to ‘throw away’ some of my past problems with that old last name.

One aspect of the name change that has legitimately had an impact on my desire to move on from this phase of my life has been the fact that I am now making decisions for someone else.  I know that this is true in the most significant form when you are pregnant; however, I think this is at least partially applicable to getting married, too.  When I’m married, I need to make decisions for the ‘good of the unit.’  Our finances will be combined; I can’t just justify my huge spending on diet garbage because it’s not having an adverse effect on Jason.  All of this will no longer be possible; I am not willing to jeopardize my marriage or happiness because I am obsessed with diet products.  That’s silly.

Today went according to plan; since it’s just day 1 I did make use of some protein shakes and sugared gum.  There was a luncheon at work and I didn’t eat a thing.  My calves are absolutely KILLING me from the Lighthouse Run; this  (exclusive calf soreness) has never happened to me after an endurance event.  I’ve been limping around all day!

I had a thought last night that made me very happy.  I will make it through the next 54 days of rigorous dieting for my wedding.  After that, I never, ever have to diet again if  I don’t want to.  I can be done with this.  I can continue with my healthy eating habits.  I have never had a weight problem; even now, I’m within the ‘healthy weight range.’  I never, ever, ever have to diet again.  I know that I don’t “HAVE” to be on a diet right now, but I really want to look my absolute best and prove to myself, after years of failed attempts, that I can actually do this.  One day down, 2 to go, then the real fun begins!

I hope you’re all having a great day, and thanks for the wonderful comments!

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