When I started this blog almost two weeks ago, I had the thought process of an addict. I have made the same mistake again, and again and again…that when I started a blog, I would somehow be magically motivated to stop my eating insanity; stick to a good, effective, medically sound diet, and quickly achieve my weight loss goals.
Since I have made this mistake before -namely- thinking that acquiring something (a diet program, a journal, a tattoo, a blog, a haircut) would somehow magically motivate me to change and provide the ‘missing piece.’
Well, instead, the past 12 days have been a very accurate snapshot of the pattern that my life has followed (probably in about 2 week cycles) of hope, followed by crashing, and as you saw in my past 2 posts, by brief insanity. I have gained a considerable amount of insight in the past few years; I think I might be ready to act on it.
This is all such a bunch of bullshit. It wasn’t until I started writing about it that I saw how conflicted that I really am. I thought, 2 weeks ago, that all I really wanted was to lose weight- even if it meant binging for a month straight after my wedding. The more I thought about this, the more I realized that what I really wanted wasn’t weight loss- it was to truly adopt healthy eating patterns and stop binge eating. I think that if I do this, I will lose the ten or so pounds that are making me feel uncomfortable.
I’m not fat. I’m not at my ‘ideal’ weight, my BMI is on the high end of healthy, and I don’t feel like I would be at this weight if my body weren’t constantly trying to process binges. However, the irony is that I gained much of the weight while simultaneously losing literally thousands of dollars over the past 1-2 years on diet programs. It is crazy that I have no real health problem or anything like that and I have invested so much time and energy in activities that are really only making the problem worse. I came to my senses and admitted defeat and immediately returned the ‘Master Cleanse’ kit that came (via overnight mail) to me this morning; however, I’m still out around $30.00 on the shipping. I am in the process of selling my Medifast products on e-bay; while the diet is very good for other people, it states very clearly on the website that it is not for people with a history of eating disorders. The fact is that extremely low calorie dieting tends to make me more prone to binge eating, which ultimately means that I would be better off just eating healthfully, exercising moderately, and acting like a sane person.
I am naturally a very healthy eater. I have needlessly been depriving myself of a lot of healthy foods that I really enjoy to follow some diet that obviously isn’t working for me. I have never been able to follow a ‘diet.’ In fact, during the 3 -4 times during the last 5 years that I have lost 15-20 pounds, I was never following a ‘diet.’ “Dieting” tends to make me overeat.
I don’t know what I find so alluring about diets- perhaps it’s that they make it sound so easy. It takes all the thinking out of it, plus there’ s the promise of feeling successful and virtuous. I am almost a diet addict, and I never follow a single one for longer than a couple of days.
While my body is not perfect, I just need to do the best I can to be healthy and sane before my wedding. While I will try to moderate my food intake, my main goal is to not binge, which means eating on a schedule and eating healthy, balanced foods. I need to try to follow the advice of experts, not of my emotions or my eating disorder. If I stick to a moderate plan and exercise the way that I can (when I’m not trying to subsist on less than 1000 calories per day) I will lose the weight that I need to lose to look great in my dress.
I am sure that there will be more roller coasters in the next few weeks. I’m sorry about the drama and my descent into temporary insanity. It would be nice if I could just do the “master cleanse” and that would solve everything. As hard as it is to admit to myself, that would be setting myself up for disaster and just waste a lot of money.
Stay tuned, and I hope you all had a wonderful day.
June 20, 2009 at 4:22 pm |
Good for you! It sounds like you really know yourself. Maybe this means you’ve accepted the quirks of your body? I think you’re lucky if a natural inclination to eat healthfully causes you to lose weight.
However, it’s always easier said than done to do what you know works for you. My own craziness is staying up late, finding stuff to do, when I know I’m exhausted and have to get up early. Thank God on weekends I can sleep past 5 am, get up late, and read blogs without guilt!
June 20, 2009 at 5:59 pm |
I agree, I think most of us are very healthful eaters. For me, I overeat just because I am stressed, in pain, sad, or just lonely. Exercising have helped me with those emotions.