Total Disaster

Today was a total disaster-more of the same, no need to elaborate. I know that total and utter boredom  and frustration contributed- there is absolutely NOTHING for me to do at work. I was on a special project for the past few weeks which kept me at least kind of busy- that has ended and now I basically just sit there for 8 hours, which is unbearable. I can’t blog at work (I do need my job, after all) and boredom and frustration are clearly things that I will need to learn to tolerate. I hate not being able to apply the ‘healthy’ thoughts that I have read and learned, again and again and again and again and again…the only thing that matches my disgust with all of this ^&*($) right now is my actual physical disgust. My stomach is distended. I didn’t even enjoy this binge, I felt like I have been feeling during binges for the past few weeks; like I’m just going through the motions, stuffing myself with food for no reason better than ‘that’s what I do when I enter this mode.’
All I can do at this point is not repeat this pattern tomorrow. I know that today was at least partially triggered by anxiety over a work lunch that I need to have tomorrow- absurd, because even if I ate everything offered tomorrow it wouldn’t match even a tiny percent of what I consumed today (easily 4 days’ worth of calories, if not more).
I’m going to do something that I was afraid to do, but here goes, I will do it:
I PROMISE, to anyone reading this, that I will not binge or overeat tomorrow. I have already cancelled my massage due to today’s failure, but I promise, that no matter how great the temptation, I will do whatever it takes, even if it means leaving work, to not overeat tomorrow. There, I said it. My fulfillment of this promise will be the topic of tomorrow’s blog. If I do not fulfill this, then I am admitting to myself, and to anyone struggling with this issue, that this is somehow an insurmountable problem. I know that even though this is intensely frustrating, that it is absolutely not insurmountable. There is no good reason why today can’t be my last day like this. In any case, tomorrow I will get back on track. Even if I have to act like a crazy person to achieve this.
Besides my unfortunate caloric intake, today was an otherwise very boring day. I watched “He’s Just not that into you” tonight (Jason and I have made up) and am just trying to relax. I typically have a hard time sleeping when I overeat like this- hopefully I will not be too tired tomorrow.
I hope that I don’t come across as a lost cause. I will always be honest, as much as it pains me to do so, because at some point this has to stop- hopefully, sooner rather than later- and I DO want people to see that no matter how difficult it seems, no matter how many times you need to try, that it can be done. I just had a streak of 4 days’ ‘sobriety’ which isn’t too bad for me. I’m going to go for a full week this time- at tomorrow’s end I will be 1/7th done.
Thanks for reading and I hope you are having a happy and healthy day. Check in soon!

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