I write this post at the end of my 3rd day following the Medifast plan (with a few minor variations to make it work well for me; specifically, extra protein snacks, coffee in the AM., etc) and my 4th day not binging. I always start to feel a little uncomfortable when I get too long of a ‘streak’ going. It feels different; not scary, but not familiar enough to be comfortable. I think that some background info is in order; perhaps this will give my strange fear some context.
When I first started binging, about 5 years ago, I was quite underweight and considerably more wrapped up in my eating disorder. Perhaps due to lack of insight, maturity, or bodyfat, I was much less able to resist my impulses- be they to spend too much money, binge eat, or shave my head, which I once did for no particular reason (that’s another post altogeher). I lived every day in fear of what disaster might ensue, and I was completely unable to stick with any kind of eating plan for even one day.
That was the starting point. Very, very, slowly, I have improved; my weight has fluctuated but never to the unhealthy, obviously eating disordered lows of that period. I first would regularly go 1 day without binging, then 2….and so on. Lately, I’ve been stuck at around 5-6 days.
What’s strange is that I don’t really feel like I need the behavior anymore. When I do it, it’s just out of habit, because it feels strange to not do it. I know this seems odd since it is something that I desperately want to stop, but that’s the best way I can explain it. It’s almost like I just think to myself, “well, I’m going to do it one of these days anyway- I couldn’t possibly have overcome this, because I just won’t be able to- so I might as well just do it so I can have the renewed hope of ‘starting over again.”
Wow. That was the first time I articulated this, but I think I might be onto something.
My whole identity, my free time; so much is wrapped up into this cycle of binge eating, feeling sick, promising myself that I’ll stop, and throwing myself into a new plan for just under a week. If anything, this is a major inconvenience. Just because something is ‘familiar’ is not a good reason to continue doing something, but I think it can be a compelling reason. I don’t like sudden changes; I like my life to be fairly predictable. Could that really be what’s going on here?
Clearly, I need to venture into the unknown, and that is what I’m in the process of doing. I’ve reached the point where I’m not feeling quite so hungry anymore and it’s great- I can’t believe that I’m really doing it! I need to keep going; if I can get through these 3 days, then I can do 3 more, and so, on and so on….
It can be hard to accept that something that you want might also have short term ‘negative’ consequences- i.e. it is really scary and uncomfortable to change. I also think that there’s kind of maybe a ‘post-recovery’ depression; since I’ve spent the past few years of my life really trying to stop this, now that I see that I can, I’m afraid to because the ‘main event,’ will be over.
Of course, while I think that I will be able to ‘recover’ insofar as binges stop, I don’t think that the urge will ever go away or I’ll ever be able to stop working at this. Tomorrow will bring new struggles; there’s never a point where I will get to say, “OK, well I’ve done it, and now I don’t need to do anything else and I’ll be fine.” I will always have to live with this fear of my ‘addiction,’ and remember that a few moments of pleasure is never worth the consequences.
I hope you all have had a good day. Thank for reading about my journey into the unknown!
June 16, 2009 at 7:45 am |
Oh, this resonated with me in a lot of ways. Good luck on your journey!